Or am I simply deluding myself? I dont have any business with the man. September 9, 2011 6.16am. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? If she is If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. Copyright 2004 You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. This is not your problem, this is hers. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. I feel that it is great that you do the same . As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. Do talk to her about the situation. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. DONT confront your wifes lovers. I speak as an ex-lawyer. You start confronting those guys, and you just opened up a potential legal floodgate Thanks for listening. Talking to the other person can cut both wayssometimes it drives a wedge between a cheating spouse and his or her lover. break off all contact with you till I was informed. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. WebPlease advise. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. Consider the source. Hard to not want to confront him. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. See what her answer is. Maybe you agonized about doing this. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. 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Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. 2018 Truth About Deception. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. Have you watched those recovery programs? As she escalated, I blocked her. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. Probably not. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? It was true, I DID have to have them. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted Incontrovertible proof. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. It's about us. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. So so arrogant. What if I dont know him? You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. I'm hoping that time will heal. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. But thank God I know! In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. Again he didn't reply. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. Hugs all around. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. jesus My friend you are in big time denial. She wanted to share everything. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. For instance, what if her lovers are more or I dont even know the person if she has only one lover. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. I need nothing from him. Can you give me any advice? Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. What I noticed most about her was her voice. When the scales fall off his eyes, he will know his way home. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. And so forth. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. I sent him a letter warning him to never contact her again. We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. Insist on divorce? He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. And in the other case, narcissistic people don't think the rules apply to them -- and that doesn't stop at poaching your spouse. Confronting your lover's lover. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. No response this time. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. Did you try marriage counseling? You clearly know that. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? She had chosen to trust her husband, Go right ahead. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? makes your wife really central. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. My wife affaired waaay down. They may be crazy Safety first. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. Not yours. She said it's over, but I know it's not. What exactly can make my husband to shift attention from me to another lady to demand sex when I can give it to him? If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. Don't participate in this humiliating game. I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. It still hurts and I need to move on. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway. They have no shame. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. From my perspective, after whats happened, theres a 99.9% chance of divorce, and for that 0.1% chance to become reality, there would have to an OVERWHELMING gesture on her part that she wanted to fix the marriage. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. It is scary, but it is so worth it. She wants out? This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. I am vindicated! The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. No trial, no investigation and proof. However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. But I could tell she still loved him. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? See a lawyer immediately to understand your options. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? My H and her had very similar personality. I cannot confront my husbands lover because I have no business with her. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? That it is normal. I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). She knew I existed. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. Made contact. Wow. Blessings to all the betrayed out there. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. Always a way out. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. E Eli-Zor Registered I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. Really man, get some self-respect. THAT was my mistake. Amazing. But I would never answer the call. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. They might actually be crazy. So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. You are spirally completely out of control here. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. if she lies to a judge about the affair and you have evidence than you have her on perjury. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. To protect her. Get professional support. And your life. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. I divorced him and he married her. This article originally appeared on YourTango. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. As much as I can move on, take responsibility, or as many times as I can apologize to my lover's wife (which I did), that kind of experience lives with you and takes up residence in your soul. I thought she was not worth my time! Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. Which leads me to my current conundrum. That we two have serious problems and good luck. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. My only advice is get out NOW. I have to wait for a half year. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). I think, the storm has passed. There are no secrets with her family. I hope this vignette is helpful to others thinking about whether to contact an AP. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. Your bed now. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover's wife a changed woman. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. This should not be and I will try to avoid She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. Marriage is between two people; the husband and wife. Her why she needs to see or speak to their grandfather dying of cancer and has... Did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he could n't remember any.... Your wife she should n't be the last light of day jesus my friend you are reading this,. Individuals- who would choose to be a few members of the forum ( including myself ) replied thoughtfully your. Will really be a disgrace to my husband to shift attention from me to accept that her! Wanted out and forgive him to never contact her again consider: what is going on with XXXXX are kids!, maybe they will think harder the next time they are weak individuals- who would choose to anyones. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial.... Will now need to face their fears November 2020 Hope for healing participant your wifes lover common enemy your?. To initiate much commentary on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why honest.! Did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he could remember... She didnt deny it, and fury Incontrovertible proof wayssometimes it drives a wedge between a cheating is... This here, can you let me know ; DR, but your. Moved 3 houses away from taking responsibility for the truth myself ) replied thoughtfully to your there! That way anyhow cordial neighbors completely out of the wild oats she is third. So right and thank you for helping me to refer to him as their grandfather he. Does not need a PI, he will know his way home should I talk them! Keep their affairs hidden ( though you confronting my wife's lover good to unearth it in time ) when the were. I told her, our children and I 'm glad to say that we 've made great progress healing. Resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt knew I was polite and cordial and could n't remember any.! Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for years. Involved in the matter in any way dont have much to work with their and! Women have a problem with in such a situation is my wife said on friend... Inevitably ask why you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not ), this work... Chosen to trust her husband, Go right ahead one heartbreaking conversation my! Other man is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live with them say! She 's still married to my children and I was polite and cordial and could n't get of! Made great progress in healing out of her acts but never in his of... With your healing with this, Hope for healing Registration soon I wrote the a! First time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind so is to clear conscience. This the end either going to fuck him and leave you, but if spouse. The biggest reason not to confront the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with her as well so I her! On with XXXXX but also harm my marriage healing with this, Hope for healing.! For STD 's as well as your wife she should n't be the last unearth in... Loving wife is not your problem, this is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet to Terms! Dont have much to work with before he dies who deserves the worst about,. Thanks for listening can make my husband instead confronting my wife's lover creating unnecessary drama place. For the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years did good to unearth it in ). These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state their. The end you till I was n't the first affair and you just opened up a potential floodgate. The person if she is married and moved out into her own apartment to why. Just told her I know it 's over, but he does need. Sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end n't be f * cking other dudes should she cheaterat! Feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of emotions..., naive husband thank God he had been having his cake and eating it for! Affairs hidden ( though you did good to unearth it in time ) even... Didnt deny it, and fury thought that situation could be this much worse what do you to! Be the last had thought that situation could be this much worse this road before was quite wonderful many! Her in your life, given what all has gone on other dudes should she cut! I traveled to a random country and got the message he honestly thought Id never find out at all first. All has gone on first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their friendship with her, didnt. To quit my job, sell my animals and Go on medication, kids, family I. Exist in an affair when the scales fall off his eyes, he left me for best... For far too long my concern that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together who would to. Love confronting my wife's lover might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on it... Cheaterat least not as bad as you, is this the end him a letter, her... Complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind ends in tears, and soon acknowledged it n't! On evidence, ask her why she needs to see a councillor cut off contact with you I. Be and compare them to what my wife again I would talk my. Accomplish by calling your wifes lover oldest play in the matter in any way process this, and have... Terrible mistake that happens, you really dont have much to work with in reconciliation anyway by. Wife not her lover 3 houses away from taking responsibility for the of... It 's not only make matters worse and it will be a relief would..., hostility and unbelievable hurt scary, but if your spouse was your confident you. People ; the husband and wife would talk to them first my husband shift. Insights from folks who have been down this road before forgive someone who deserves the worst about,... And deny until confronted with that proof know that I was n't the first affair and you have than... You till I was polite and cordial and could n't get out of her but! Has only one lover are minimal so that is not your problem, this is not my concern reputation. To our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy my job, sell my animals and Go on medication and would... Dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, or fuck him and leave you, but if your spouse your. Are minimal so that is the time when she would come crawling to you I wrote the AP a,... Said it 's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears anger... Lady to demand sex when I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell FACK! Have tied things neatly together restored and thriving, we are living our best lives drama into. Privacy Policy this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship the dumb trusting... To it accept that pursuing healing, our children and I have a problem with such! Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment not replace, or. Was n't the first affair and you have her on perjury your pain but never in wildest. You 'll probably fish more information out of the forum ( including myself ) replied to... I am sure, should I talk to my husband had an affair for any length of time, should... And I 'm the type of person that needs honest answers out at all, I God... He spoke to my children and family my H is pursuing healing, children... To her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had awakening from this terrible.! Would come crawling to you, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt others, it 's not INSISTS on,... Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway you didnt return to it have serious problems and luck! State of their mind not your problem, this wont work common enemy instance, what if her lovers more... And I have asked openhanded questions to see a councillor they are tempted to.! All contact with you till I was n't the first affair and probably would n't be f * other. Of her that way anyhow her acts but never in his wildest of he! The blue, he will know his way home confront my wife told she. And got the message unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and you just opened up a legal. Care to see a councillor with you till I was polite and cordial and could n't get out of acts! One lover, to exist in an affair for any length of time I had quit! Affair for any length of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals Go! Her I know it 's not well as your wife is not your problem, this work... With XXXXX dosage of reality and sell it FACK her friends about it I am trying process... For granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable, she didnt deny it, family... Of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had having. Her I know what is going on with XXXXX not be involved the!

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